Coping with the “Uncertainty”

By the way, late night (1 – 3 am) is the perfect timing to hear such a best advice ever (false: please DO avoid engaging in this type of talk late at night, if you could … ).

As you expected it, I did not receive their genuine feedback well although they all meant well.

And of course, on one particular occasion, my hard-working-brain tried even harder to reason their “good” intention of sharing such a constructive feedback.

Unfortunately, I was on a failing mission on that day.

My body felt tense, my heart was beating faster, and the muscles were so pumped as if I needed to physically defeat these people who truly cared about me (no worries! there was no violence, … just yet).

I became highly interoceptive (had a heightened bodily self-awareness) and exteroceptive (had a heightened environmental awareness and was being hypervigilant).

At that point, I was scoring high not only on the vaguely conceptualized scale of “rigidity” but also on a well-defined autonomic arousal scale.

The very next moment, they also needed to prepare themselves for the upcoming attack (from ME, who did not digest their genuine advice promptly). 

Back-and-forth conversation continued.

More and more misunderstanding piled up, and each party raised the voice.

The interpersonal conflict was almost at its peak.

Some negatively charged energy and emotions needed to be released in some ways!!!!! grrrrrrr (I was Tyrannosaurus!!!!).

Luckily though, there was no actual attack but tears and hugs took place in the end.

While I was tearing up in the middle of the interpersonal conflicts, I succeeded (at least) in reframing my words in my big tired head and said:

“I feel frustrated when X, Y, and Z happens, and I am not intending to attack you.”

“This and that were my intentions, and I feel bad if I made you feel so-and-so …”

Instead of making the impression of pointing the finger at others, I focused on my own responsibilities, what I could/can do and could/can not do as well as what I want in the future (first, go sleep!), etc.

I also shared my keen (!?) predictions of what my “opponent” potentially wants.

“You might be blah blah blah …?”

Then,

“My assumptions were … this and that … (oops, I simply assumed huh?)”

↑ Ding-dong! My BIG FAT ASSumption surfaced.

Wait, what was happening really?

It turned out, I was trying to stick with my predictions and was not comfortable dealing with uncertainty and changes.

In other words, I did not want to accept the situations that did not align perfectly well with my initial predictions and wants (Dopamine reward prediction error detected!).

Some updates were necessary for my brain, but I did not want that = MY PROBLEM.

Very very fortunately, my “opponent” on that night also seemed to have ah-huh! moment himself and told me that living with someone like him might be tough (hmm … good to know?).

The external world/stimulus/a person having the argument with me seemed to be in the alignment with my mood at that time.

Okay, let’s stay focused on what one can do to him/herself (myself) first without shifting too much focus on the external world.

This is what humans tend to do according to research. 

When our heart rate increases, our behavior is more likely to be guided by our long-held beliefs rather than what is going on outside of our bodies.

In short, our focus goes inward rather than outward.

Consequently, we take actions that are consistent with our own long-held beliefs rather than what is appropriate in the moment.

Taking the new piece of into in and changing our beliefs and behaviors cost a lot more energy in our bodies compare to sticking with our own “gut-feeling” that has been existing forever. 

In order to learn new things in the middle of conflict, I needed to effortfully slow down.

I tried to take a couple of deeper breath, loosen the muscles on my shoulder, and pay more attention to the external environment.

After recognizing my own problem and reflecting on it, I came across my old note stating:

Life = Completely different series of unexpected events while planning for other events.

Silly. I wrote this line after moving to the U.S back in 2013.

So, I “knew” how my life can be.

Did I really?

I love the feeling of me being an expert of making spot-on predictions and being confirmed that I WAS DARN RIGHT, uh-huh!!

I feel at ease when experiencing the great sense of mastery and “CONTROL.” 

That’s right. CONTROL.

When I can make decisions on my own and act upon my decisions, I feel good.

Do you feel that way too … ??

If not then you may want to give it a try paying a bit closer attention to your bodily sensation and overall energy level throughout your day, while juggling the stream of decision-making?

It seems that there are innate biological and physiological mechanisms that support our well-being even without you noticing it!!

If you do notice it time to time, then let’s examine what we can do to benefit more from our body-and-brain-integration!? 😉

There is reliable and valid literature in science of emotion and relationship out there that supports our intuitions too!

Please check this generous podcast and talk being delivered by my real-world superhero researchers!