A short answer to the question above that I want to share with you today = YES, it still is possible and probable.
This is a discussion post reflecting on Daniel Kahneman and Yuval Noah Harari: ‘Global Trends Shaping Humankind’ moderated by Kara Swisher (Noah Harari, 2021).
Prof. Yuval Noah Harari (bestselling author of Sapiens and one of the most influential intellectuals) emphasizes that it is POSSIBLE to make the world a BETTER place WITHOUT breaking any egg.*
*Yuval cited an idiom in one of his passionate comments, while some people believe; “One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs” = NOT ALWAYS TRUE when it comes to making the world a better place!
You CAN CHANGE THE WORLD for BETTER, PEACEFULLY, QUICKLY, and WITHOUT inventing NEW technology (Noah Harari, 2021).
Examples of Changes Happened:
Number of violence in the world now = ALL TIME LOW
Feminist revolution/one of the biggest social changes (men used to dominate women, as you know)
However, within one century or so, it has changed.
Currently, in many parts of the world (increasing number of), women can exercise the equal rights as men do.
Reference:
Noah Harari, Y. (2021). Daniel Kahneman and Yuval Noah Harari: ‘Global Trends Shaping Humankind’ [Video]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yhg7NmTeVg&t=1s&ab_channel=YuvalNoahHarari
We intuitively know how powerful we feel when we empower ourselves to be the ultimate boss of our own lives.
In some organizational contexts, yes, there ARE many powerful figures sitting on top of the organizational hierarchy who literally CONTROL our lives.
Research confirms how great these authorities feel while maintaining such a tremendous amount of control over their own personal, professional, and of course, others’ lives.
With that being addressed, it seems reasonable to assume that the sense of control is generally pleasant in almost all human beings.
Whereas it may be necessary to acknowledge such “higher-up” influence trickling down to our daily lives, there STILL ARE some areas we, everyday-people, can take charge, which I believe is our MIND.
People often think about happiness like height, like it’s a permanent thing that, you know, once I do X, Y, Z then I’ll be happier and I’ll always stay that way. Little like if I do something to get taller I’ll always be taller. That’s not what happiness is (Santos, 2021).
Reference:
Santos, L. (2021). The Happiness Lab. Retrieved 14 April 2021, from https://www.happinesslab.fm/
Is our current situation with COVID filled with infinite uncertainty?
The best we can do with such an uncertain situation is … not preparing at all?
Wait, are we too rigid … ?
My friends and family kindly (with a hint of frustration subtly observable) told me that I was somewhat high on the “rigid scale,” especially when there were some interpersonal conflicts on the horizon.
By the way, late night (1 – 3 am) is the perfect timing to hear such a best advice ever (false: please DO avoid engaging in this type of talk late at night, if you could … ).
As you expected it, I did not receive their genuine feedback well although they all meant well.
And of course, on one particular occasion, my hard-working-brain tried even harder to reason their “good” intention of sharing such a constructive feedback.
Unfortunately, I was on a failing mission on that day.
My body felt tense, my heart was beating faster, and the muscles were so pumped as if I needed to physically defeat these people who truly cared about me (no worries! there was no violence, … just yet).
I became highly interoceptive (had a heightened bodily self-awareness) and exteroceptive (had a heightened environmental awareness and was being hypervigilant).
At that point, I was scoring high not only on the vaguely conceptualized scale of “rigidity” but also on a well-defined autonomic arousal scale.
The very next moment, they also needed to prepare themselves for the upcoming attack (from ME, who did not digest their genuine advice promptly).
Back-and-forth conversation continued.
More and more misunderstanding piled up, and each party raised the voice.
The interpersonal conflict was almost at its peak.
Some negatively charged energy and emotions needed to be released in some ways!!!!! grrrrrrr (I was Tyrannosaurus!!!!).
Luckily though, there was no actual attack but tears and hugs took place in the end.
While I was tearing up in the middle of the interpersonal conflicts, I succeeded (at least) in reframing my words in my big tired head and said:
“I feel frustrated when X, Y, and Z happens, and I am not intending to attack you.”
“This and that were my intentions, and I feel bad if I made you feel so-and-so …”
Instead of making the impression of pointing the finger at others, I focused on my own responsibilities, what I could/can do and could/can not do as well as what I want in the future (first, go sleep!), etc.
I also shared my keen (!?) predictions of what my “opponent” potentially wants.
“You might be blah blah blah …?”
Then,
“My assumptions were … this and that … (oops, I simply assumed huh?)”
↑ Ding-dong! My BIG FAT ASSumption surfaced.
Wait, what was happening really?
It turned out, I was trying to stick with my predictions and was not comfortable dealing with uncertainty and changes.
In other words, I did not want to accept the situations that did not align perfectly well with my initial predictions and wants (Dopamine reward prediction error detected!).
Some updates were necessary for my brain, but I did not want that = MY PROBLEM.
Very very fortunately, my “opponent” on that night also seemed to have ah-huh! moment himself and told me that living with someone like him might be tough (hmm … good to know?).
The external world/stimulus/a person having the argument with me seemed to be in the alignment with my mood at that time.
Okay, let’s stay focused on what one can do to him/herself (myself) first without shifting too much focus on the external world.
This is what humans tend to do according to research.
When our heart rate increases, our behavior is more likely to be guided by our long-held beliefs rather than what is going on outside of our bodies.
In short, our focus goes inward rather than outward.
Consequently, we take actions that are consistent with our own long-held beliefs rather than what is appropriate in the moment.
Taking the new piece of into in and changing our beliefs and behaviors cost a lot more energy in our bodies compare to sticking with our own “gut-feeling” that has been existing forever.
In order to learn new things in the middle of conflict, I needed to effortfully slow down.
I tried to take a couple of deeper breath, loosen the muscles on my shoulder, and pay more attention to the external environment.
After recognizing my own problem and reflecting on it, I came across my old note stating:
Life = Completely different series of unexpected events while planning for other events.
Silly. I wrote this line after moving to the U.S back in 2013.
So, I “knew” how my life can be.
Did I really?
I love the feeling of me being an expert of making spot-on predictions and being confirmed that I WAS DARN RIGHT, uh-huh!!
I feel at ease when experiencing the great sense of mastery and “CONTROL.”
That’s right. CONTROL.
When I can make decisions on my own and act upon my decisions, I feel good.
Do you feel that way too … ??
If not then you may want to give it a try paying a bit closer attention to your bodily sensation and overall energy level throughout your day, while juggling the stream of decision-making?
It seems that there are innate biological and physiological mechanisms that support our well-being even without you noticing it!!
If you do notice it time to time, then let’s examine what we can do to benefit more from our body-and-brain-integration!? 😉
There is reliable and valid literature in science of emotion and relationship out there that supports our intuitions too!
Please check this generous podcast and talk being delivered by my real-world superhero researchers!
References:
Feldman Barrett, L. (2019). Emotions: Facts vs. Fictions [Video]. Rotman Institute of Philosophy: Rotman Institute of Philosophy.
Huberman, A., 2020. The Science of Emotions & Relationships | Huberman Lab Podcast #13. [podcast] Huberman Lab. Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcuMLQVAgEg&ab_channel=AndrewHuberman> [Accessed 8 April 2021].
Huberman, A., 2021. Master Your Sleep & Be More Alert When Awake | Huberman Lab Podcast #2. [podcast] Huberman Lab. Available at: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nm1TxQj9IsQ&ab_channel=AndrewHuberman> [Accessed 8 April 2021].
This is my first post aiming to share helpful psychological concepts and principles while accompanying your lifelong learning!
My posts are heavily geared towards the real-world application of scientific research. I will be sharing my interpretation of academic publications as well as applied research articles and books. I genuinely hope this can help you make important decisions!
The honorable first topic is … “HAPPINESS & INTERDEPENDENCE,” yes! Great starting point while practicing the physical (social) distancing, isn’t it!?
QUESTION TIME!
Let’s start today’s reflection with some questions as Gregersen (2018), the executive director of the MIT Leadership Center, author, and a motivational speaker, suggests that catalytic questioning can lead us to the answers.
I will try my very best to come up with such “catalytic” questions!! No pressure…!
Would “true love” guarantee you the ultimate “happily ever after?”
Would “making more money” reassure you to live happier life?
Or …
Would “single life” or solitude bring happiness if it is a choice and not forced?
Can we lift the curse of the social comparisons in our heads?
If you have gotten crisp answers for the questions above, you may skip the rest of my post! Have a wonderful day and the rest of your life!
However, if you have some wiggle room in your answers, the info below can be beneficial in making future decisions such as whether you should heavily invest in a dreamy romantic partner, the highest paying job-related major at college, buying a brand-new T*sla car, etc…
Research suggests some potential “answers” regarding such external orientations of how to “achieve happy life.”
It suggests: YOU WILL NOT GET HAPPIER EVEN IF YOU KEEP GETTING THESE COOLEST THINGS.
Short answer from the research finding is, YOU MAKE CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS → increased level of happiness being observed and measured.
To me, personally, “true love” sounds like a great candidate to live happy life. My financial freedom while having a choice where I want to invest in would be essential as well.
Evidently, my personal happiness and my husband are linked. Well… it is just really hard to solely focus on my “own” happiness without accounting for his happiness to be honest. This “intertwined” phenomenon posed more questions though.
Does my happiness depend on my husband?
If my personal happiness is really intertwined with my husband’s, then, where can I see the boundary between “my own” and “his” happiness…?
Wait. I am getting confused. You??
I have been both happily and interracially married to my adventurous Vietnamese American husband who is 8 years younger than me. On top of the salient age gap between us, our ethnic background, communication style, education, core strengths are … quite DIFFERENT. The list of our differences goes on and on… phew!
EXCEPT, we have something in common, we both seem to possess basic abilities to sustain our own lives without needing each other’s help.
He is the king of very basic. I am the queen of very basic. Each of us built own iron castle where nobody is needed but one’s self.
Of course, occasionally he sees me as an invader while I defend myself with the Kendo armour.
Nonetheless, I started understanding how “INTERDEPENDENT” relationship works after five years of “figuring out” thanks to the abundance of resources and patience (both in me and my husband as well as our family and friends).
In the process of exploration, I have found incredibly helpful checkpoints from all-time king-of-self-help book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, New York Times bestseller (over 30 million copies sold!) to assess if I am dependent, independent, or interdependent (Covey, 1998).
Let me ask you some more questions since understanding the difference among dependence, independence or interdependence can help you observe your relationships with the significant others (or just others happen to be near you).
Q.1 Is “your happiness” depending on someone besides yourself (e.g., my partner, children, parents, friends, etc.)?
Q. 2 Are you an independent individual and you don’t need someone else to fulfill your basic needs (you are operating to the best of your abilities)?
If your answer is somewhat YES to these questions, it implies that you could be an interdependent person (yay!?).
However, if you answered that your happiness depends on others because you need these people to fulfill your basic needs, you might have some challenges with personal dependency.
The “dependency” in the context of happiness can be a bit tricky. Let’s take a closer look at the concepts together.
Note. The image is created by the author respective to the work of Covey, S. R. (1998). The 7 habits of highly effective people. Provo, UT: Franklin Covey.
As illustrated in the image above, the dependency, independency, and interdependency can be hierarchical. In other words, without having lower level’s requirement being met, you cannot go up to the higher level.
→ Without achieving the adequate level of independency, you cannot be interdependent (ouch!).
Once you got the hierarchical part cleared up, let’s look into the other side of the spectrum, unhappiness.
The opposite of happy feelings can be negative ones, yes?
If you catch yourself frequently complaining (experiencing negative feelings) about someone who is important to you, and if you are holding that person responsible for your unhappiness, then you are likely “dependent.”
The good news is, such discontentment (negative feelings) has a function to call for your attention, and voila! you acknowledged these negative feelings that are bugging you (Carucci, 2020)!
Now, you are called for a change (another ouch!?)!
Please don’t worry! Here I am sharing resources to guide you create some changes for happier life!
Although you currently have some complains regarding your personal happiness, the questions below can help you analyze the complains and generate some solutions.
Please try answering the questions listed below to the best of your abilities (Carucci, 2020)!
Q.1 What do you wish was different about how things are now?
Q.2 Relative to these things, what are things that frustrate you most?”
Q.3 What self-management capability will you need to improve such status quo?
Q.4 What skill or knowledge will you need to improve or acquire?
Q.5 What goals can you realistically attain through your own efforts?
Q.6 What rewards do you hope to gain as a result of your efforts?
Q.7 What goals can you guide your team/organization to realistically attain?
Q.8 What rewards do those you lead hope to gain as a result of your efforts?
Congratulations! You took one step closer to be first independent and eventually interdependent!
As a renowned psychiatrist, Alfred Adler, states, an individual is “indivisible” or inseparable from being affected by the external world. In other words, it is inherently challenging for us to exclude the outside influence when trying to create changes (Skinner, n.d.).
In order to tackle these challenges, Alfred Adler offers the cognitive behavioral intervention called separation of tasks (Skinner, n.d.). Separation of tasks involves the identification of tasks and individuals who need to work on each task.
Identifying the tasks that need to be done by oneself and others can reduce likelihood of experiencing negative feelings significantly while helping people allocate their resources effectively.
First and foremost, we intuitively know that we would like to be self-reliant. We also learned that almost always, collective work brings better outcomes than the solo work.
Now, you are certain that being interdependent is the choice only INDEPENDENT people can make, and you can first choose to be independent.
Again, being independent = have a certain level of self-mastery.
At the end of the day, responsibility and independence are the keys to develop more satisfying and happier life, being interdependent by choice.
References
Carucci, R. (2020, April 13). How Ambitious Should You Be? Harvard Business Review. doi: https://hbr.org/2020/04/how-ambitious-should-you-be
Covey, S. R. (1998). The 7 habits of highly effective people. Provo, UT: Franklin Covey.
Gregersen, H., 2018. Questions Are The Answer. [online] Hal Gregersen. Available at: <https://halgregersen.com/books/questions-are-the-answer/> [Accessed 10 August 2020].
Skinner, J., n.d. Certificate In Adlerian Counselling | Adler Centre: Adlerian Psychology Association Of BC. [online] Adlercentre.ca. Available at: <https://adlercentre.ca/the-alfred-adler-institute/certificate-in-adlerian-counselling-certified-adlerian-counsellor-cac/> [Accessed 10 August 2020].
